I Got a Comment

that really rubbed me the wrong way at first. Then I started thinking about it, and the guy does actually have some valid points that I'd like to address. In a blog. Why? Because it's my blog and I can. Because he didn't leave an e-mail address for me to respond. Here's what he wrote:

We're happy for you and your family. I would have to add some of your points to the list of stupid things people say though. We have had an interracial family (Wife is Black and I'm White, our biological children are Hispanic (2)and Black (1))for many years and are also adopting from Ethiopia.

1. Were you not an advocate for racial equality before? Why do some white people feel it's their fight?

2. Yes, people stare, people make comments (mostly black people from our experiences) and for some reason people sometimes say really hurtful things to the kid involved. Ignore them. Being a mother or father is easy, being Mom or Dad is much more involved and it doesn't matter what race you are.

3. Does a blog like this serve the child? Or is it highlighting that the child is different and showing them off? In our family we know of our differences and do not shy away from them, but we see no need to highlight them to the world. Could the actions of showing or saying "Look, we adopted! He's different from us...aren't we kind???" encourage people to make snarky remarks?

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but having dealt with many of the same issues you all deal with for well over 7 years now I have come to learn that kids don't want to be different or a trophy or showcased. They want to be loved and cared for and treated like any other child you would have had biologically. Especially the older they get. Who wants to be labeled "the adopted kid"???

-Kory, Gainesville, VA


Dear Kory,

Thank you very much for being happy for me and for my family. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hardly ever have a chance to write on it anymore, and it's nice to know that people still check it out. If you read back to the beginning, you'll see that we actually started the blog long before our son came home, and long before we know we'd be adopting. To answer your questions:

1) I absolutely was all for racial equality before. Did I understand it like I do now? No. Did I know that inequality was as prevalent as it is before I had a black son? No. It is not only my fight as a white person; more importantly, it is my fight as a mom. My son is 4. I'd like to think that by the time he is able to "fight" for himself, he won't have to "fight" as much as people do right now. If I can fight a little of the battle for him, I certainly will. I also believe it to be my fight because I want him to be able to understand that he's got people in his corner when he's older. If he can reflect back to an experience that he had when he was 4, and think, "Wow, my mom really had my back before I fully understood what was going on" then I've done well. I also believe that it should be everyone's fight. Everyone who understands racial bias, inequality and prejudice should fight to educate others who are as ignorant as I was before Petros came into my life.

2) Thanks for the advice. For the most part, we do ignore them. However, when someone makes a really ignorant or hurtful comment, or asks repeatedly where his real mother is, I will not allow my son to watch me ignore it. It is my job as his mom to teach him how to appropriately handle these situations when ignoring is not the best approach. I also want to teach him that he is worth more than silence when someone is incredibly rude. Please don't mistake this for bitterness or being overly sensitive. Like I said, we do ignore most situations, and until recently, I didn't even know that Petros was aware of the stares or seemingly innocent comments.

3) Highlighting that he's different and showing him off? Really? This is a family blog. Yes, I do like to show him off. Look at him! I'm showing him off because he's handsome, amazingly smart, kind-hearted, and lovable. Not because he's got brown skin. Not because he joined our family through adoption. Like I said before, we started this blog to keep up with family members who don't live close. Before international adoption was ever on our radar. It's a family blog. I write about the stuff we experience. Good, and the not so good. You'll notice that nowhere on this blog, or any other public forum do I talk about why Petros joined our family-the experiences he had that led him to us. That is because I'm not into exploiting our kid. And as far as the "Look! We adopted! He's different! Aren't we kind!" comment- Perhaps you didn't happen to see this post.
Or, perhaps you've never met me, and you don't happen to know that every single time someone tells me how lucky my babe is, or how kind my husband and I are for adopting, we correct them. Every.Single.Time. Oh, and I can assure you that my child is not labeled, and he is not treated as "the adopted kid". By anyone.

Like I said, thanks for checking out my blog. I wish you and your family all the best on your Ethiopian adoption journey. It's a wild ride, and the best one we've experienced. We can't wait until it's time to do it all over again.

Tiffany