Happy Mother's Day??

I've waited many years to be happy on Mother's Day. To not want to stay under the covers. To be able to face the joy that my friends and family were experiencing on their first Mother's Day with their brand new babes, or their excitement as they were looking at their protruding bellies and be happy for them. Truly happy for them. I feel joy, but I should be happy. I've got a perfect little boy who has been talking about the perfect Mother's Day gift for weeks. I am a mom.

I can't help but have a heavy heart today. I want to only feel the joy, but I keep thinking of all the women who are still waiting to feel this joy. The women who want to be happy for the women in their lives with new babies, or babies on the way, but are so burdened with their own sorrow, that they will have to fake it. I can't help but think about the women who will never get to raise their children. The women who make the most difficult decision that nobody should ever have to make. Today and tomorrow I will be thinking and hoping for these women. May they get through another day where women are celebrated for having children. May they get through another day where they will undoubtedly think about the children that they no longer get to parent.

Melkam Fasika!

Or, Happy Easter. We had a wonderful Easter celebration. We started Saturday evening when my parents, and my sister, Robby and Allie came over to have yummy pizzas and dye eggs. (Which Allie refused to do, so Sara, Robby, my dad and Petros were on the egg-dying team)! After they left, Petros and I went to work! We baked a coconut cake that would later turn into a bunny, and prepared our creme brulee french toast for Easter morning at Auntie Melissa's. We all slept soundly, then got up pretty early to search for Petros' Easter basket (or Superman pail) and decorate the bunny cake. We had an awesome breakfast with family, then moved on to dinner with even more family. Oh, and did I mention that it was in the high 70s all day?

I Got a Comment

that really rubbed me the wrong way at first. Then I started thinking about it, and the guy does actually have some valid points that I'd like to address. In a blog. Why? Because it's my blog and I can. Because he didn't leave an e-mail address for me to respond. Here's what he wrote:

We're happy for you and your family. I would have to add some of your points to the list of stupid things people say though. We have had an interracial family (Wife is Black and I'm White, our biological children are Hispanic (2)and Black (1))for many years and are also adopting from Ethiopia.

1. Were you not an advocate for racial equality before? Why do some white people feel it's their fight?

2. Yes, people stare, people make comments (mostly black people from our experiences) and for some reason people sometimes say really hurtful things to the kid involved. Ignore them. Being a mother or father is easy, being Mom or Dad is much more involved and it doesn't matter what race you are.

3. Does a blog like this serve the child? Or is it highlighting that the child is different and showing them off? In our family we know of our differences and do not shy away from them, but we see no need to highlight them to the world. Could the actions of showing or saying "Look, we adopted! He's different from us...aren't we kind???" encourage people to make snarky remarks?

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but having dealt with many of the same issues you all deal with for well over 7 years now I have come to learn that kids don't want to be different or a trophy or showcased. They want to be loved and cared for and treated like any other child you would have had biologically. Especially the older they get. Who wants to be labeled "the adopted kid"???

-Kory, Gainesville, VA


Dear Kory,

Thank you very much for being happy for me and for my family. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hardly ever have a chance to write on it anymore, and it's nice to know that people still check it out. If you read back to the beginning, you'll see that we actually started the blog long before our son came home, and long before we know we'd be adopting. To answer your questions:

1) I absolutely was all for racial equality before. Did I understand it like I do now? No. Did I know that inequality was as prevalent as it is before I had a black son? No. It is not only my fight as a white person; more importantly, it is my fight as a mom. My son is 4. I'd like to think that by the time he is able to "fight" for himself, he won't have to "fight" as much as people do right now. If I can fight a little of the battle for him, I certainly will. I also believe it to be my fight because I want him to be able to understand that he's got people in his corner when he's older. If he can reflect back to an experience that he had when he was 4, and think, "Wow, my mom really had my back before I fully understood what was going on" then I've done well. I also believe that it should be everyone's fight. Everyone who understands racial bias, inequality and prejudice should fight to educate others who are as ignorant as I was before Petros came into my life.

2) Thanks for the advice. For the most part, we do ignore them. However, when someone makes a really ignorant or hurtful comment, or asks repeatedly where his real mother is, I will not allow my son to watch me ignore it. It is my job as his mom to teach him how to appropriately handle these situations when ignoring is not the best approach. I also want to teach him that he is worth more than silence when someone is incredibly rude. Please don't mistake this for bitterness or being overly sensitive. Like I said, we do ignore most situations, and until recently, I didn't even know that Petros was aware of the stares or seemingly innocent comments.

3) Highlighting that he's different and showing him off? Really? This is a family blog. Yes, I do like to show him off. Look at him! I'm showing him off because he's handsome, amazingly smart, kind-hearted, and lovable. Not because he's got brown skin. Not because he joined our family through adoption. Like I said before, we started this blog to keep up with family members who don't live close. Before international adoption was ever on our radar. It's a family blog. I write about the stuff we experience. Good, and the not so good. You'll notice that nowhere on this blog, or any other public forum do I talk about why Petros joined our family-the experiences he had that led him to us. That is because I'm not into exploiting our kid. And as far as the "Look! We adopted! He's different! Aren't we kind!" comment- Perhaps you didn't happen to see this post.
Or, perhaps you've never met me, and you don't happen to know that every single time someone tells me how lucky my babe is, or how kind my husband and I are for adopting, we correct them. Every.Single.Time. Oh, and I can assure you that my child is not labeled, and he is not treated as "the adopted kid". By anyone.

Like I said, thanks for checking out my blog. I wish you and your family all the best on your Ethiopian adoption journey. It's a wild ride, and the best one we've experienced. We can't wait until it's time to do it all over again.

Tiffany

"It Began with Bale" from Drawn From Water on Vimeo.

Please Take 19 Minutes

Update

The Engelhardt clan has been busy, busy, busy. School continues to go well for Petros. He's made several friends, and has really learned how to be a 4-year-old boy. While I sometimes miss my little adult, I completely realize that he needed to be 4. Even if that means fooling around way more than he used to, making poop noises, and running all around the house while blowing into a plastic recorder! He's been working on reading and writing as evidenced a few pictures below. He'll begin working more on math next week. We really love that even though his school is very much a learn through play atmosphere, they value his ability to learn through traditional table-time methods. It's really a great balance for Petros!

Seven Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before Adopting Transracially

1. When you find a hair or skin product that works, stick with it.

2. The stupid comments that used to annoy you before will make your blood boil now that your child is home.

3. Your friends who have never adopted transracially will not understand some of your decisions. They will think that it’s overkill to have African American artwork scattered throughout your house. They won’t understand why you don’t want to subject your child to a classic movie in which the main character is made fun of because a part of his body is a different color than his peers, then accepted once they realize that the main character is of use to them. They won’t understand why you feel the need to send your kiddo to a more diverse school. Hopefully they will just consider the fact that you are more aware than they are on the subject and move on, but sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they’ll call you out, and say hurtful things. You never needed friends like this anyway.

4. You are now an advocate for racial equality.

5. Read Tim Wise's books.

6. You're going to get weird looks when you go out. Sometimes they're nice and accepting looks. Sometimes they're inquisitive looks. Once in a while, the looks are so hateful that your blood begins to boil. Figure out a way to deal with it before your child is home, because in the moment, you won't be able to think.

7. In the end, nothing else besides the relationship that you have with your family and your child matters. People say stupid things. People look at your family in the grocery store. Deal with it and move on. You are teaching your child how to handle things like this in the future.

Happy Birthday

to my amazing husband! The best father and husband anyone could ever ask for. The rock of our family. The person who knows my mood before I do. The one and only human being that can make me laugh even when I want to cry. The only man I know who is capable of displaying tough love and downright silliness at the same time. Happy Birthday, Babe!